What's the hardest decision you've ever made?

Seriously what has been the hardest decision you've ever made? Would it be which Uni you went to? What job to do? Which girl or guy to marry? Which car to buy? Where's the best area to buy a house? Well, for me, my hardest decision has been to be a Christian. Yes, I can hear all the *gasping* and the sharp intake of breath, thinking this girl is being "blasphemous!!"... how can she say dat??!! Well, I'm saying it. Choosing to be a Christian is a decision that has been one of the hardest decisions that I've had to live up to. And I refuse to dress it up in pretty little pictures. Heck anyone that knows me well enough knows that I'm one of the most practical and cynical person. I could have argued with anyone until the sun came up on all things Christian. And yet, I'm a Christian. And alot of ppl still wonder why...haha. Its really not easy. Its really not all flowers, beautiful things and happy happy thoughts (that's probably why nobody thought I'll become a Christian... I'm not eaxctly ms. giggly & sweet =p ) And I am really sick of ppl who want to paint it as that. That's why I'm saying it. Choosing to be a Christian is just hard. Your life problems don't disappear overnight. You're still the same person in the same skin (and trust me, my skin sucks =p) What is hard about being a Christian? Loving people... all people... regardlessly and unconditionally (And please don't get me wrong, loving people doesn't mean smiling endlessly at everyone and "act" like you're suddenly their best friend). Turn the other cheek when you're wronged. Another one would be pleasing God. Being a witness of his love... so many =p So the natural question would be, then why are you a Christian?? Why choose something that is so hard? I know everyone has their own reason. But my reason was just that no one else on this planet will ever love me fully. Especially if they knew me for all my weakness, all my bad habits and temper, etc..etc... Not my parents, not my bf, not my grandparents (tho they come close..) ... Seriously no one. And at my lowest and at the point where I felt the loneliest and most "un-loved", i knew God loved me. That God is there, whether you acknowledge him or not, or believe in Him or not. He is just there. And that is the one thing about Christianity... its Love. Jesus died for us out of love. Love is at the base, the core...Its a relationship. And with all relationships, its hard. Its voluntary. It can't be forced. And God really really doesn't force us. Which makes it soooooooooooo easy to just not love him. To just act like He's not there. Do as we please. Kinda like when you're a teenager and you know your parents love you and would be damn disappointed that you skipped school, but yet you do it bcos you can. And even if you do get caught, they'll still love you. So heck, let's just have fun. So then of course there's always questions... and doubts and worries and wondering. Basically I believe in something/someone that I can't see (not like your parents which can cane you or smack you silly =p) That to everyone else, i can't hear, can't have a conversation with, can't touch... so that brings up the, how do u you know He really is there??...and does the God that I believe in really actually exist?? I can't answer it in a way that enables someone who's never experience it to be able to "experience" it with just my words. I'm sure many can give you the nicest, rosiest pictures of a relationship with God. Well, I can't. Really I don't hear an audible voice. No tangible thing to hold on to or a statue to bow or stare at... But sometimes at the most quiet times... staring just at a baby... you would know that God's hands were there. (heck, that baby didn't burst out of a rock la =p) I guess it would be easy if I just choose to not think about it. Blind faith. But God never asked for blind faith. He did ask for "Child like" faith, but not blind faith. He never said, don't ever ever ever question me. Just obey every rule!! No, He's not like that. He just lets you be. And its like... He's given you the free will to choose what you want to do. Down to even if you want to believe he exist or not. Sigh. And free reign over your own choices is one of the hardest things..... :( But because I believe He does exist. And He does give me comfort and He is always there regardless, its a choice that I have to keep to. Everyday I have to choose to be a "christian". As best as I can. And I worry everyday that one day I might choose the easy way out. To just ignore His existence. To be just like everyone else and lead my life as I please. But somehow inside me I know that would just make me feel even more empty and lost. So hard as it may be, I'd rather have a life with God's presence than to go about as I please feeling empty and lost.